The Pivotal Moment

IMG_0424I recently wrote about my core desired feelings in relation to my 2016 goals. I keep feeling the need to write about a pivotal moment that I failed to mention in my last post. I somewhat mentioned it, but I didn’t expand on it and I am not really sure why. Maybe I didn’t because it makes me feel vulnerable and somewhat exposed. But, I have thought about it and think it is important to share because it might help someone out there. And, if I can help one person, then it’s worth being a little vulnerable on my blog.

I mentioned in my last post that my husband told me he wanted me to work on seeing myself the way he sees me, but there is more to this story. After visiting our families for Christmas, we came back to Carlsbad, CA and went for a long walk the next day. We talked about our goals and I told him how the core desired feelings were changing how I set my goals. He listened and was very supportive like he always is with me. Even though I am sure he was thinking, “she is crazy.” And, he is kind of right. Then he told me about his personal and professional goals along with some things he wanted to do in 2016. He said he would even do a vision board with me this year. I was shocked, but so excited to work on them together. I started creating a vision board a couple years ago and have been amazed at how so many of the things really happen. I am a huge fan of them and hang mine in the back of my closet so I can see it every morning.

He asked me if there was anything I wanted him to work on this year. I wasn’t expecting this question, but I thought what an interesting twist to goal setting. I thought about it for a bit, but didn’t really have anything specific. Luckily, there isn’t anything that he does or doesn’t do that really bothers me or I think he needs to change. We have the type of relationship that if there is something bothering us that we talk about it. So I won’t share the details of my response because he might not like that, but it was basically something along the lines of I want him to realize how talented he is in design. Designers often have a very critical viewpoint of their work, which makes them good at their jobs, but it is also hard on them. I think he is amazingly talented and just want him to see it too because sometimes I see that it can hold him back. I just want him to go for whatever he wants in his career. I support him and his professional goals 100 percent.

Then it was my turn. What does he want me to work on in 2016? It was silent for a moment and pretty sure my heart was doing flip flops in my stomach during that time. Then he said, “I want you to be confident. I want you to feel comfortable in your body. I wish you could see what I see when I look at your body. You look great, but you always cover yourself up. You don’t put out that confidence that other girls do, even if maybe those girls are too confident.” Thank goodness I had sunglasses on that day because tears instantly filled my eyes and started streaming down my face. My heart really felt like it dropped, not because I was hurt by his words, but because I knew he was right. It is one thing to personally have these thoughts, but for someone who is so close to you to say them out loud is gut wrenching, at least it was for me. It was definitely a pivotal moment in my life and for the way I will go about my goals this year.

I needed to hear exactly what my husband said to me that day. It made it real for me, like I cannot hide from those feelings anymore. It’s time to start focusing on it and changing it. I am not saying it is something that will change for me over night, but self love and body acceptance is something I can work on. Just being aware of it is the first step to creating change. So since that day on our walk I have already started to incorporate a few things towards creating the desired changes. I have been doing guided meditations on self love and acceptance and use affirmations. When I look in the mirror and have negative body talk, I have been rephrasing those thoughts in my mind. I set my intentions for my yoga practice to create self love. If I look in the mirror during practice and think “you look fat,” then I change it to “look how strong you are right now.” And, everytime I bring my hands to heart center, I say to myself “I love you and accept you.” These things may seem silly to some, but it’s surprising the affect they can have on you. Try some of them out and see what it does for you.

I have thought about all of this in relation to raising my daughter. During one of my guided meditations, it said to think about how you feel when you look at someone you have unconditional love for, like a spouse, child or pet. I instantly thought of the moment I see my daughter when picking her up from daycare and how excited she is to see me. She crawls over to me as fast as she can and gives me the biggest smile and hug. It truly is the best feeling in the world and my heart is completely full at that moment. In the meditation, it says to think of that feeling, now feel that same love for yourself. What? Are you kidding me? I don’t feel that much love towards myself. That is when I realized how important it is for me to continue working on this right now. All I could hear was “put the oxygen mask on first before assisting others.” I have to take care of me and love me before I can truly love others. I want her to be confident and feel loved so I must change now.

I share this with you because I think a lot of people can probably relate. Please do not think I hate myself because that is not true. I just don’t see myself or have as much compassion for myself as I would like and want to change those thoughts because they are just that, thoughts. I think we are all critical of ourselves to some degree, but we don’t always talk about it because we are ashamed or embarassed. I believe talking about it brings awareness to it and helps us heal. I share with you my story as part of my healing journey towards love and acceptance.

~With Love